Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen
by Loki Palmer
Summary: DZ2 has the right idea with his Den of Delights. Now presenting, for your reading pleasure, servings of literary stew from my Madhouse Kitchen. H/Hr, of course.
1. King of the Outcasts

"**Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Any other universes I decide to use belong to their respective creators.**

**Some time ago, an old Fanfiction friend of mine, DZ2 sent me a PM about a challenge he posted, a challenge entitled "Let It Go" (after that awesome song in "Frozen"; if you haven't heard it before, check it out.)**

**Mulling over this challenge, it occurred to me that he's got the right idea with his Den of Delights, and so was born this collection of one-shots, called Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen. Some may turn into full stories, others may not. Whether I will give permission for my fellow writers to use any of these ideas remains to be seen, but I will reserve the right to deny such permission, capisce?**

**Another friend of mine, Ben (not a fellow Fanfiction writer), thinks it's funny that I would use cooking as a metaphor for my writing process when I can't cook on a stove. I've joked that if I was cooking on a stove, you would need the Fire Department on speed dial! LOL. Then again, like the idea of me cooking on a stove, my fanfics can be explosive too – explosively hilarious, that is!**

**(For the obvious sake of safety, I do all my cooking in a microwave. The stove cooking metaphor works for me, though, so that's what I use to describe my process.)**

**So, my welcome to fans old and new,**

**Have I got some stew for you!**

**To complainers who like to whine and flame,**

**Go shag yourselves if that's your game!**

**If my madness you can bear,**

**Enter my kitchen – if you dare!**

**[Manic laughter.]**

**Chapter 1**

**King of the Outcasts**

Harry breathed a sigh of relief upon seeing that Cedric Diggory was the Hogwarts Champion. "Whew … maybe I will have a peaceful year after all …"

"Wonderful!" said Professor Dumbledore. "Now that we have our three Champions …"

Great was the shock of the assembly in the Great Hall as the Goblet of Fire spewed out a fourth parchment, which Dumbledore caught; greater was the shock when he read the name on it:

"Harry Potter … no, this can't be right. Harry Potter?"

Harry could not believe his ears either, and sat there in shock.

"HARRY POTTER!"

Hermione gave him a small shove. "Harry, get up there!"

"But Hermione –"

"Just go already! We'll talk about it later!"

As he stepped forward to meet the Headmaster, he heard voices all around him say:

"He's a cheat!"

"He's not even of age yet!"

"How did he get his name into the Goblet?"

When he arrived at the Goblet, he spun around to face his accusers, his glare murderous. "HOW **DARE **YOU ACCUSE ME WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST SHRED OF EVIDENCE!" A loud thunderclap shook the Great Hall as Harry raised his wand. "Upon my magic I swear that I did not put my name in the Goblet, nor did I ask an older student to do so for me!"

Everyone gasped, for such an oath, known as a wizard's oath, could strip away the wizard's magic if the person was lying. Either the wizard in question would be a Squib or dead; neither one sounded pleasant from a wizarding standpoint.

"Harry, do you realize what you've done?" said Professor Dumbledore.

"If I have told the truth, Headmaster, I will suffer no ill effects. EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

A bright silver stag exited Harry's wand and went to Hermione. As it nuzzled her, it grew brighter, causing others nearby to shield their eyes, then it trotted back to its master, nuzzled him, and disappeared.

Harry looked at the stunned crowd. "Any questions?"

**~KING OF THE OUTCASTS~**

She found him in the Astronomy Tower. "Harry?"

He turned around. "Hermione … you seem to be my only friend in this darkest of times …"

She hugged him. "I'm here for you, no matter what. Is it me, or has the temperature dropped around here?"

Harry started to sing [to "Let It Go"]:

"A cold wind blows all through Hogwarts tonight,  
>Hardly no one to be seen;<br>A kingdom of outcast rejects,  
>And guess what? I am their King!<br>My anger's flowing like this thunderstorm outside!  
>I just can't clamp it down; God, You know I've tried!<br>Don't let your anger cloud your view;  
>Please be calm and you will see it through!<br>Well, Dumbledore, I've had enough!  
>I say, enough!"<p>

Lightning flashed around the area as Harry continued singing:

"I'll arise! I'll arise!  
>As of now, in my darkest hour,<br>Just like Fawkes, from the ash,  
>I'll come back with so much power!<br>Lightning flash, and thunder roar!  
>Let my darkness rage;<br>The storm, it don't scare me none anymore!"

What he was not expecting was that Hermione would join in the song:

"Harry, you know I love you, staying always by your side,  
>With the courage that you give me, I no longer have to hide!<br>Dear, with my brains and with your power,  
>Every enemy will have to cower!<br>Forget their rules, let's make them see:  
>We're free!<br>We'll arise! We'll arise!  
>Thunder roar across the skies!<br>Powers flow! Dark winds blow!  
>May they see it in our eyes!<br>I don't care what the world will say!  
>Let Our darkness rage …"<p>

Harry sang:

"Can you feel the thunder as it roars for miles around?"

Sure enough, even the castle shook with the thunderous roars. Hermione sang:

"Our enemies will have to cower underground!"

Harry sang:

"No good exists, nor evil, there is only power!"

Hermione sang:

"They will come to rue this night, and this, our very hour!"

Harry sang:

"We'll arise! We'll arise!  
>Like the break of the sun at dawn!"<p>

Hermione sang:

"We'll arise! We'll arise!  
>The Boy-Who-Lived is gone!"<p>

They sang together in harmony:

"We could care less what they're going to say!  
>As we show they're wrong!<br>The storms, they don't scare us none anyway!"

They had their first kiss under the darkness of the storm, lightning flashing all the while.

"Where shall we go first, Hermione?"

Her eyes sparked with mischief. "How about we go and visit an old friend … you know, the one who is so obsessed with you, you can't help but run into him every year? It's so nice he comes to visit at the end of each year … think what you like about him, he cares for you and your education …"

"Obsessed? You don't mean he's … faygeles or anything? I don't swing that way, Mione."

She gave him a playful swat. "No, you prat, but you do run into him every year …"

"Every year?"

She laughed. "Okay, except for third year, you've run into him …"

"I know the one of whom you speak, Mione. Shall we go, my dear?"

It was thus that, holding onto each other, the new couple vanished in a burst of lightning …

**Author's Note: Wow, that was quite an amazing start to this Madhouse Kitchen of mine. More stew to come later! I might very well consider turning this one into a story …**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


	2. A Visit to Middle Earth

"**Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Any other universes that I choose to use are the property of their respective creators.**

**For my next serving, here is the start for a side crossover fanfic to "Harry Potter and the Prince of Olympus," my first fanfic that I uploaded. If interested, you, my devoted fans, may read it to understand some of the background context, though I confess that I haven't quite got so far to where I can split off and write this one in full yet. Even though it is not a Harry/Hermione fic, at least it does not involve Ron/Hermione or Harry/Ginny, two fandoms that are absolute anathema to me as a devoted Harmonian. Visitors to my profile would understand why I say that.**

**I am certain you will recognize the secondary universe that our two heroes visit … so, without further ado, enjoy …**

**Chapter 2**

**A Visit to Middle Earth**

A rainbow light shone down from the heavens onto the ward boundary of Hogwarts, and two men stepped out of it.

"Brother," said one, a tall man with shiny black hair, "tell me – why are we coming back to Midgard again?"

The other, a blond man with a hammer recognized anywhere, frowned. "My Heir, it seems, is troubled, Loki, as well as his … brother."

Loki snorted with amusement. "Olympus adopted him into his Family, it seems, just like Odin adopted me all those years ago. Why would the Allfather, or Aslan himself, trust me to accompany you to collect them, considering what has happened here? Facing either of them in their states is madness!"

"You would know something about madness, wouldn't you, Loki?"

"Ah, touché, Thor! I still say I have a bad feeling about this …"

"Aslan told us to collect them, Loki, nothing more. He didn't say anything about fighting them. What's the matter? Are you scared of a little lightning?"

Loki looked at the black storm clouds and the electric discharges that arced around them with worry. "As you know very well, Thor … I'm not fond of what follows …"

**~A VISIT TO MIDDLE EARTH~**

Tracing the source of the cold terror that had seized Hogwarts was no trouble for the duo as they made their way up the Grand Staircase, seeing nobody on their way.

"Ah, here we are, Loki. The Hospital Wing … our targets are right here."

"Do we want to go for the subtle route … or …"

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Thor's fist knocked on the door.

"Great, Thor … why not take the brave madman's route?"

The door opened, and Thor bowed to Loki. "After you."

"Why, thank you, Thor …"

WHAM! A hammer flew out of the Wing, knocking the Trickster onto his back.

He got up with a wince. "Oh, yeah, Thor, that was a brilliant idea, to use me as a shield. What more will you think of next?"

Two cold voices sounded from within. "Who dares to disturb Us in Our hour of grief?"

"Thor and Loki Odinson of Asgard. Will you let us in?"

"Enter."

What the duo saw shocked them. Before them stood the two they had come for, Patrick Palmer, Prince of Olympus, and Harry Potter, his adopted brother and Prince of Gryffindor. Within three beds lay the Petrified figures of Lady Hermione Palmer, Lady Lacey Potter, and Sir Neville Longbottom, Knight of Olympus.

"By the Nine Realms," said Loki, "this is worse than I feared. Or it is what I feared … I can't tell which is which."

"Did I hurt you, Uncle?"

Loki shrugged it off. "Nay, Your Highness; I've had worse. You seem to be the 'hurt first, ask questions later' type, eh?"

"Can you blame me for what happened to Hermione?"

Thor shook his head. "Nay, not in the least would I blame you. I would be psychotic indeed if someone dared to hurt my Beloved in any way."

"Forgive my curiosity, but why did you come?" said Harry.

"Lord Aslan has sent us to collect you both," said Thor. "Now, there are two ways we can do this: the easy way, or the hard way."

Patrick's eyes sparked. "Hmmm … I like a challenge …"

He threw his hammer at Thor, and Thor threw his hammer back. As the two hammers met, they produced a shock wave akin to a bomb going off, blasting out the windows of the Hospital Wing and shaking the castle, whose ancient wards withstood the blast.

From his position on the ground, Patrick looked up at his ancestor. "Okay … scratch the challenge … we'll come …"

**~A VISIT TO MIDDLE EARTH~**

Upon arrival, Loki gave Patrick a pat on the back. "Good luck … wherever you're going."

Patrick felt a cold wave of power pass into him. "What is this?"

"Let's call it my way of helping you. Who knows, you may need it."

Walking into Aslan's throne room, the two knelt before Him. "Hail, Lord Aslan!"

"Welcome, Sons of Olympus. Allow me to introduce you to Manwë and Elbereth, King and Queen of the Valar … akin to what you would call Archangels."

"Indeed," said Manwë, "we are but servants of the Almighty One who created us all, young pilgrims."

"Why did Your Majesties summon us?"

"There is now a crisis situation on Middle Earth and We have decided that you are two of the best Istari, or wizards, we can send – besides Gandalf, of course."

"Besides Gandalf, how many Istari are there on Middle Earth?" said Harry.

"There are four others of the White Council, but one of them – Saruman – has joined with the Enemy. Even if he was to gain the Enemy's Ring and use it to conquer him, the power of the Ring would only make Saruman a new Dark Lord. Be on guard against Pride, for it leads to a great downfall. You may even find that there will be some creatures too powerful for you to conquer … for those occasions, you will need your allies and your speed. In the case in which your Prudence tells you to run, you run, but if you must fight, you fight. Your mission will be to protect the Hobbit who bears the Ring – Frodo Baggins – and his companions."

Elbereth stepped forward. "Before you go, Sons of Olympus, take this chalice and drink … it will help calm and ease the sorrow you have suffered."

As they drank the liquid within the chalice, they felt like a phoenix was singing to them in an unknown language, and drew comfort from it.

She smiled at them. "Do you feel better?"

They smiled back. "Yes, thank you, Elbereth."

She put her hands on their heads. "Then go with Our blessing ..."

**~A VISIT TO MIDDLE EARTH~**

The landing on the ground gave both a sharp jolt of pain.

"Patrick? How are you feeling?"

"I feel like another truck ran me down … did you get its license plate?"

"No kidding there. Next time, we should remind ourselves to pack parachutes. Where do we go from here?"

"Point me Frodo Baggins." Mjøllner swung within a direction. "That way, Harry – towards that fallen down fortress ..."

A loud screech rent the air, like nails on a chalkboard, but worse.

Patrick gave a whistle, and two Κερβεροι showed up, excited to help their Masters. Their aforementioned Masters saddled themselves.

"No time to lose, Harry."

"Agreed. One, two, three ..."

"ΠΡΟΣΔΟΚΩ ΣΟΤΗΡΑ!"

A St. Bernard and a Stag Patronus came forth, shining with Seraphic Fire. The duo sped after them towards the mysterious black cloaks, which scattered in fear of the light.

Upon arrival, they saw a man and three hobbits gathered around a hobbit writhing in pain.

"Strider, what's happened to Frodo?" said one hobbit.

"The Nazgûl stabbed him with a Morgul blade," said Strider (the man). "I dread to think what might have happened next if these mysterious flaming animals didn't arrive. Whatever new Magic this is, the Nazgûl cannot bear it. I fear this is beyond my skill to heal. Samwise, do you know kingsfoil?"

"Aye," said Samwise, "it's a weed."

"Go find some … it may help to slow the poison. As for the two of you Istari, we owe you some thanks for driving the Nazgûl away. Who are you?"

"Patrick Palmer. The other is Harry Potter, and we are at your service, Strider."

"I must admit, you are curious people for Istari … why, you don't even look old. I would ask what land you hail from, but we don't have time for that. Can you help?"

"All we would know how to do would be to slow the poison down, not to heal it. It won't kill him, right?"

Strider shook his head. "No. Their Master wants the Ring-bearer alive … given enough time, the poison will turn him into a wraith, and he will be subservient to their commands."

Samwise came back. "Here we go, Strider."

Strider took it and crushed it in his hands, making a poultice out of it and applying itl to the wound. Patrick and Harry applied their hands to the wound and cooked it with Seraphic Fire, hopeful that it would help. Frodo cried out in pain.

"What are you doing to him?"

"Trying to help him, Master Samwise. I fear that is all we can do, but this requires greater skill to heal. Where were you going, Strider?"

"We were going to Rivendell, where the Elves live, but with a wound like this, who knows if he can last for the rest of our journey?"

"Uh, Pat?"

"What is it, Harry?"

"Someone's coming ..."

Their eyes widened in wonder upon seeing an Elf-maiden. Upon seeing Strider, she beamed. "Aiya, Estel! Adar nin mennant le toled." (Hail, Estel. Father sent me to find you.)

"Aiya, Arwen! Frodo harn. In tâd istari hin menner Nazgûl nored." (Hail, Arwen! Frodo is wounded. These two wizards sent the Nazgûl running.)

Arwen looked in amazement at the wizards mentioned, then turned to Frodo.

"Frodo, im Arwen. Telin le thaed. Tolo dan nan galad." (Frodo, I'm Arwen. I've come to help you. Come back to the light.)

Frodo shuddered and gasped for air.

"He won't last long," she said. "I will take him."

"Arwen, there are five Ringwraiths out there."

"I don't fear them, Estel."

"Χαρι, μενου μετα των αλλων χοββιτων." (Harry, stay with the other hobbits.)

"Και συ? Τι ποιησεις?" (And you? What will you do?)

"Τι σκεπτεις?" (What do you think?)

Arwen turned to Patrick. "Well, young Istar … would you care to provide some cover?"

Patrick saddled up on his canine mount. "I'm ready when you are ..."

**~A VISIT TO MIDDLE EARTH~**

Arwen's horse Asfaloth ran like the wind, Patrick not far behind providing cover as best as he could, throwing lightning into the face of each Nazgûl who approached too close.

At the Bruinen river, they turned around and Arwen drew her sword.

"Give us the Halfling, accursed She-Elf!"

"Do you want him? Come and claim him!"

Patrick got off of his mount and stood in the river to protect them.

"Get out of our way, young Istar. You are no match for the might of Mordor. Stand aside … or die where you stand!"

"I faced off against a Troll – why should I be scared of you? Go back to the shadows from whence you came, or you will feel my wrath!"

"You are a fool … prepare to meet your doom ..."

Mjøllner flew to knock the leader off of his horse. The battle was an adrenaline-fuelled blur of energy with Arwen chanting in the background, summoning up water horses for backup …

**~A VISIT TO MIDDLE EARTH~**

Patrick opened up his eyes and saw he was lying in a bed. "What happened?"

"Ah, our young Istar is awake," said a voice. "You had us worried there for a while, Patrick."

Patrick's eyes widened in some shock, for the voice which spoke came from someone who looked like his grandfather Zeus. The surroundings told him he was not back in Olympus, though.

He looked to his side. "Χαρι? Οπου εσμεν?" (Harry? Where are we?)

Harry smiled. "Εν οικω Κυριου Ελρονδος εσμεν. Πατερ Κυριας Αρουενος εστιν." (We are in the House of Lord Elrond. He is Lady Arwen's father.)

Patrick looked back at the Zeus lookalike. "My apologies, sir. You look like my dear Grandfather Zeus, that's all."

A warm chuckle sounded from the old man. "There is no need for an apology, and I can assure you that is not my name. I am Gandalf – an Istar like yourselves, although you are far younger than me. If it is not too sensitive a question, how old are you both?"

"Twelve years," both said.

"My word, is that a young age! You are but children, and you have that kind of power?"

"My Mum and Dad explained that there are some people who are able to manipulate Magic, and others who are not. Patrick and I are two that can," said Harry.

Gandalf nodded. "I see. Ah, the rest of our group has arrived."

Arwen entered followed by an elf who carried himself with an air of nobility.

"Ah, dearest Arphen … the house of Rivendell is ever in your debt for protecting my daughter."

Seeing that Elrond had spoken to him, Patrick ignored the question about this name; perhaps there would be a later explanation. "Lord Elrond, you are too kind, but I did it not for the sake of a debt … it was the right thing to do. By the way, thanks for the backup of those water horses. Would you think I would leave a damsel, even a fierce fighter like your daughter, out there to get herself killed by five powerful bullies?"

Arwen laughed. "Ah, Hîrbar helped us pick it out aright – you are as noble as your name. If I was not engaged already, such a feat would be enough to win my hand."

Arphen pointed out the Olympus Lordship ring on his hand. "As nice as such an offer would be – no offense to you or Lord Elrond – I'm already taken, thank you."

"So am I," said Hîrbar, pointing out his Potter Lordship ring. "In fact, saving a damsel was what married him in the first place."

Strider entered. "Well, I guess that means two less males on my turf. I bet that hammer packs a wallop."

"Speaking of which," said Arphen, "what happened to it?"

"We last saw it in the Bruinen River," said Lord Elrond. "None of us could move it."

"Better clear some space," said Arphen. He whistled and his hammer came flying to his hand, then he dropped it on the ground beside his bed.

"Out of gratitude for your support so far, we have decided to give the both of you Sindarin names, as well as the honor of being known as Elf friends," said Lord Elrond.

"Sindarin is one of two Elvish languages. The other one, Quenya, is an older one, but it is not as common," said Gandalf.

Ah, there was the explanation for the new names. "Thank you, Lord Elrond," they both said.

"DOGPILE!" said four hobbits as they ran into the room and jumped on Arphen.

"Oy, get off me!"

"Meriadoc, Peregrin, Samwise, and Frodo, I suggest you do as he says," said Gandalf. "He's not the kind to repeat himself."

"Oh, Gandalf, whatever could be wrong with a harmless tickle fight?" said one hobbit – either Meriadoc or Pippin. He then broke off into laughter with the other hobbits as Arphen and Hîrbar started to turn the tables and win the fight.

"Okay! We surrender! We surrender!"

Gandalf smiled. "Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee you have met already. The other two, rather well-known as troublemakers, are Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took."

Arphen stretched and made himself as comfortable as he could. "I suppose you wish to know our story." He turned to Hîrbar. "Oπου αρχη της ιστοριας εστιν? (Where is the beginning of the story?)

Hîrbar gave him a shrug. "Just start the story somewhere."

"You may as well start from telling us about this mysterious language you speak," said Gandalf. "I've never heard its like before in all my years."

"Gandalf, it is a language called Greek, one of the more ancient languages of my world," said Arphen. "You see, my father's side of the family comes from a powerful group of wizards, so powerful the people of ancient Greece would worship them as gods and goddesses, believing them to live on a high mountain called Olympus. Chief among these is Zeus, also known as the Thunderer and Cloud-Gatherer. My mother's side of the family was powerful too – the people of ancient Norway worshiped them as the gods and goddesses of Asgard. Unlike the ancient Greeks, whose Mount Olympus does exist on Earth, Asgard is itself a separate Realm, one of Nine Realms. While Odin is the leader of the Asgardians, his son Thor – considered their God of Thunder – is powerful in his own right. It is from him that I have received this hammer – Mjøllner. The only person who can wield it is one whom it considers worthy, or one to whom its owner gives permission. To anyone else, it would feel like it weighed as much as the Universe itself."

Lord Elrond nodded. "That explains why none of us could move it. Even though the ancients worshiped your family as gods, they are not, are they?"

"No, they are not. Like the Valar, they are servants of the Almighty. Unlike the Valar, they can die, though it is almost impossible to pull off such a feat, due to our speed and dueling ability."

"With your permission, Arphen, I will let my Elves be the judge of that."

"Permission granted, Lord Elrond."

"Arphen, Hîrbar said that saving a damsel was what married you. Who was the damsel, and from what did you save her?" said Arwen.

"Her name was Hermione Granger, a brilliant, beautiful Muggleborn – a Magical person born of parents who cannot wield Magic – and I saved her from a Troll that had invaded our school of Hogwarts." Upon seeing their widened eyes, he said, "I take it you do know what a Troll is, right? Are we talking about a creature at least 12 feet tall, stinky, not to mention it is one of the dumbest creatures on the planet?"

The company cracked up in laughter. "Succinct, Arphen, but accurate!" said Gandalf. "Let us not forget their vulnerability to light, though I fear the Enemy will not allow that vulnerability to continue."

Arphen shrugged. "I don't know if I could have killed this one with light, but it was threatening my Beloved's safety, so I killed it."

Arwen turned to Hîrbar. "What about you?"

"A Dark Lord by the name of Voldemort killed my parents, leaving me an orphan with this scar from when he tried to kill me at the age of one year. Arphen was there to watch out for me, so we grew up like brothers in the land of England, even though we were not related by ties of blood. I fell in love with his cousin, Lacey – beautiful like her mother, but if you angered her, she would beat you to a pulp like her father – and married her at Christmastime of the same year that Arphen married Hermione."

"How old were you both?"

"11 years, Strider," said Arphen, "but my Family has a faster physical maturity than most other wizards."

"This Voldemort person – did you encounter him again?" said Gandalf.

"During our first year, he had taken over one of our Professors," said Hîrbar. "He kidnapped our wives, but we caught up with him and Arphen beat him up. Voldemort tried to kill him, but killed Arphen's sister Iris instead, at which point our friend Neville grew in size and finished Arphen's work by smashing him through a mirror. His goal was a Philosopher's Stone, which, in theory, would have made him immortal."

"Alas, an immortal Dark Lord would be terrible for you to face," said Lord Elrond.

"All too true, Lord Elrond," said Arphen. "Our next year has been torturous for both of us, with a mysterious beast from a mythical Chamber of Secrets within the school Petrifying students left and right. Much to our outrage, Hermione, Lacey and Neville were three of the victims. During our grieving, a summons came to call us out here. Lord Manwë sent us to help the mission, so here we are."

"You shall learn more about this mission when the Council convenes, Arphen and Hîrbar Randir. Again, we welcome you to Rivendell and hope your visit will be peaceful."

They bowed. "Our thanks, Lord Elrond."

"While we wait for the Council, may I suggest that Strider and I teach our Istari some Sindarin?" said Gandalf.

Arphen's eyes lit up. "I think we would love that."

During the intervening time, the duo learned Sindarin from Gandalf, Strider, Arwen, and Legolas when he arrived. They also trained in fencing, though the Elves who trained them noted that Arphen was not joking about his nor Hîrbar's speed – about the equal of the Elves. In addition, Meriadoc and Peregrin, to the amusement of Strider and Gandalf, taught them about the art of smoking pipe-weed – a plant of the genus _Nicotiana_.

**~A VISIT TO MIDDLE EARTH~**

The day of the Council came.

"Friends from distant lands and other worlds," said Lord Elrond, "you have come in alliance against the forces of Mordor. Bilbo Baggins, come forward and speak."

A wrinkled hobbit came forth to tell his part of the tale – about how he encountered Gollum, took the Ring from him, and used it to great success in his mission to help the Dwarves take Erebor from the dragon Smaug under the leadership of Thorin Oakenshield, long since dead in the Battle of the Five Armies.

"And now it has passed to my nephew, Frodo," he said, finishing the tale.

"Indeed, it has," said Gandalf. "Frodo, bring forth the Ring."

Frodo did so, putting the Ring in the center of the Council.

"Isildur's Bane," said Boromir, a man from Gondor. "This is what has caused us so much worry? Why not take this weapon and use it against the Enemy?"

Strider stood up. "Do you know nothing, Boromir? None of us can wield it; it answers to the Enemy alone."

"What would a mere Ranger from the North know of such matters?"

Legolas stood up. "This is no mere Ranger! He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Heir of Elendil! You owe him your allegiance."

"Havo dad, Legolas." (Sit down, Legolas.)

Boromir frowned. "Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king."

"Who holds the throne of Gondor at the present time?" said Arphen.

"That would be Boromir's father, Denethor," said Gandalf. "He is but a Steward of the Throne of Gondor."

"It is all too correct that the Ring's alternate name is Isildur's Bane," said Lord Elrond. "I was there, those many years ago, when an alliance of Men and Elves joined together against the Enemy, Sauron. He broke Elendil's blade and killed him, but Isildur, the King's son, took the broken blade and used it to cut off the Ring. The Enemy disappeared, and his allies flew into hiding. Isildur and I climbed the slopes of Mount Doom, where the Enemy had forged the Ring. Isildur could have ended Sauron once and for all if he tossed the Ring into the fire, but he refused and claimed the Ring for himself. He died a short time later, leaving Gondor without a King for many, many years until the rightful King should return. We of Rivendell have re-forged the blade of your ancestor, Aragorn, and we hope you shall make good use of it."

As Aragorn accepted the blade and withdrew it from his scabbard, Arphen and Hîrbar lowered their gaze in respect – and, it seemed to them, there was a glorious crown of light on his head.

"The obvious question is," said Gimli the Dwarf, "who is to take the Ring into Mordor?"

"Nobody could," said Boromir. "Mordor is filled with more than Orcs. Its air is a poisonous fume, and it is as dry as a desert. Not with a thousand men could you pull off this feat. It is folly."

"That's a great speech to bring the Council down, Boromir," said Arphen.

"You think you could take the Ring there, Arphen? Or what about Hîrbar?"

"Not in your wildest dreams would I even do so," said Arphen.

"That Ring gives me the creeps," said Hîrbar. "Even if anyone was to wield the Ring and use it to defeat this Enemy, that person would take up his throne as the new Dark Lord – not a prospect I like, thank you very much."

A heated argument broke out between the three of them, with Legolas and Gimli joining in the fray. Gandalf frightened them all into silence as he said:

"**Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, **

Ash** nazg thrakatulûk, agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!"**

While he pronounced the words on the One Ring, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and his voice had taken on a dark edge that had the Elves stopping their ears. Even Arphen and Hîrbar dived for cover, such was the terror that had consumed them. As the sky cleared …

"Is it safe to come out?" the duo said.

"Yes, it is safe," said Elrond. "Never has anyone heard those words in Rivendell, Mithrandir."

"Let us hope none will hear that voice again, Lord Elrond. I had to make a point as to the danger we all face if we do not destroy the Ring."

"No arguments there," said Hîrbar. "The Ring must not stay here."

"Indeed not," said Lord Elrond.

"What we need is somebody who can pass into Mordor undetected," said Arphen. "Hmmm ... why not Frodo?"

Boromir burst into laughter. "The Halfling? If you want to add folly to folly …"

"The Enemy would crush you and the Kingdom of Gondor in two seconds flat if you took the Ring, Boromir. Aragorn is right in saying none of us could wield the Ring."

Frodo sighed. "I was hoping my part would have been over by now … but if no one else can, I will, though I do not know the way."

Gandalf laid a hand on his shoulder. "I will help you to bear this burden, Frodo Baggins … as long as it is yours to bear."

Arphen turned to his friend. "Are you ready for another adventure?"

"You bet, Arphen." They joined with Gandalf, saying, "We're coming along."

"You have my sword," said Aragorn.

"And my axe!" said Gimli.

"And my bow," said Legolas.

Boromir joined the group. "You carry the fate of us all, little one. If this is indeed the will of the Council, then Gondor will see it done."

Samwise came out of his hiding place. "Mister Frodo's not going anywhere without me!"

Elrond cracked a smile. "It is hard to keep the two of you separate … even when I summon one of you for a secret council …"

"OY! WE'RE COMING TOO!" said Meriadoc, as he and Peregrin came out of their hiding places.

"You would have to tie us in a sack to stop us," said Peregin. "After all, you need people of intelligence on this mission … quest … thing …"

"Let's not forget some lighthearted Comedy Relief," said Arphen under his breath to Hîrbar as they snorted in amusement.

"I guess the intelligence bit rules you out, Pip," said Meriadoc.

More snorts of laughter sounded.

"Arphen, what are you two laughing at?" said Peregrin.

"You two remind us of a couple troublemakers back home," said Hîrbar. "How can we not help laughing?"

Elrond nodded. "You will be known as the Fellowship of the Ring."

"Great!" said Peregin. "Uh … where are we going?"

Arphen and Hîrbar made a facepalm. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Hîrbar?"

"What's that, Arphen?"

"We're doomed."

**Author's Note: Another awesome stew! I hope you enjoy it! Read and review – no flames, please!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


	3. I'll Go With You

"**Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Any other universes are the properties of their respective creators.**

**I am glad everyone enjoyed my second serving, and I will turn that into a story as soon as I have typed enough chapters for "Harry Potter and the Prince of Olympus."**

**Chapter 3**

**I'll Go With You**

Harry came down the stairs from the Headmaster's office. After listening to the memories from the fallen Professor Snape, he didn't know what to think of him. The Professor had done so much to ensure his safety, but to think it would all be for naught – Harry would not blame him for the sorrow that filled his features. Would Lily forgive him? Would God? Harry did not know, and could not claim to know, but for his part, he forgave him.

He saw Hermione and Ron in front of him on the stairs. "What did you find out, Harry?" said Ron.

"Well, Ron, do you remember my sensitivity to the necklace Horcrux? There has been a reason I've been so sensitive to him … I know Hermione has known this as well … I have to go and meet him …"

"Voldemort? Harry, have you lost your mind? You know we can still win this war, right? What will we do without you?"

"Win this war, Ron? How many more lives must Voldemort and the Death Eaters kill before we win? No, my friend, it is better that he kills me rather than the rest of you. After I'm gone, the bloody snake is the last to go, and then he will be mortal once more. Do you understand me, Ron? Somebody has to kill the snake."

Ron nodded. "Yeah, mate, I understand." He grabbed Harry in a hug. "I'm going to miss you, mate."

Harry slapped him on the back. "Me too, Ron." The hug separated. "Hermione?"

Hermione had tears in her eyes. "Harry … I have one request for you …"

"Name it."

"Let me come with you. My life is not worth living if you aren't there to be with me." Before he could open his mouth to refuse, she said, "I know how much you care for me, Harry, but I'm not taking no for an answer. I'll go with you to the very end."

By this time, Ron had tears in his eyes. Had everybody gone barking mad? "Hermione, have you thought about this? If he lets you go with him, I will lose two of my friends tonight."

"I have thought about it, Ron. You have to stay strong for us …"

They embraced each other in a hug, and separated.

"I'll never forget you two. We've had some mad adventures, eh?"

"Our adventures have been more of the barking mad variety, but, yes, Ron. They have been fun at the same time, with you as our trustworthy Comedy Relief."

That statement brought a smile to Ron through his tears. "Please, if you're going, just go, before I'm tempted to hold you back."

**~I'LL GO WITH YOU~**

As the duo arrived at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, Harry lifted the Golden Snitch to his mouth. "I am now ready to die."

The Golden Snitch opened to reveal the Resurrection Stone. Harry took it and turned it thrice in his hand.

Before the two of them stood the spirits of James Potter, Lily Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and – much to their shock – Severus Snape.

"Professor?"

"I expect you are surprised to see me here, right? My old rivalry with your Father means nothing to me now that I have passed beyond. Old things are passed away, and behold, all things have become new."

"I never wanted any of you to die for me … even you, Professor Snape … if I knew about this earlier …"

Professor Snape smiled. "I know, Potter. Perhaps I could have been friendlier towards you, but I had to maintain my cover. It surprises me not to see Miss Granger with you, though … seeing that she has been with you for everything else."

"What I said to you in your third year is so accurate, Hermione," said Sirius. "You are the brightest witch of your age."

"Thank you, Sirius."

"Hermione," said Lily Potter, "thank you for being there for my son through the tough times."

"The toughest time lies ahead of you two," said James Potter, "but we're almost there."

Harry looked at Remus. "Remus … it's so sad … your son … he's an orphan now …"

"Others will tell Teddy the story of when we lived, and why we died, Harry … don't worry."

"Does it hurt? Dying?"

"No, Harry," said Sirius, "it doesn't hurt. It's like falling asleep for a long nap."

"Are we the only ones who can see you?" said Hermione.

"Nobody else can, dearie, because we are a part of you … both of you, so united in love with each other."

"Will you stay with us?"

"Always," said Lily.

"Unto whatever end," said James.

**~I'LL GO WITH YOU~**

"No sign of him, My Lord," said an unknown Death Eater.

Voldemort turned around and he saw Harry and Hermione coming towards him.

"Ah, Harry Potter … the Boy Who Lived … and Miss Granger … his Mudblood … come to die, have you? Any final words?" Crickets chirped. "No? Is there to be no quick backlash from you for my insult of Miss Granger, Harry?" Crickets were still chirping. "Ah, very well, then. AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Much to the shock of the Death Eaters around Voldemort, as the Killing Curse hit Harry, Hermione fell down dead with him.

"Wow … two for the price of one. Isn't that odd?"

**~I'LL GO WITH YOU~**

They opened their eyes to find themselves in a bright train station.

"Harry … Hermione … the both of you are, without a doubt, the bravest, the brightest, and the most loving couple I have ever known for your generation," said Albus Dumbledore. "Forgive an old man his curiosity, but why did you come all the way out here when you banished the Horcrux out of you a few months ago?"

"Either way, Professor Dumbledore, I had to let Voldemort think he had won the war … for a moment. I didn't know it was a Horcrux until I saw your revelation about it in Professor Snape's memories. Wait just a minute … you said a few months ago?"

"I did."

Harry and Hermione thought back to that time, and they started to sport heavy blushes.

"Oh," said Harry, "that was what that mysterious scream was all about … it's a wonder I heard it at all …"

"That good, eh, son?" said James Potter.

"JAMES CHARLUS POTTER!"

"Lily-pad, are you saying I can't rib my son a little?"

"Don't you see he's embarrassed?"

"Why should he be, Lily-pad? He should be proud of himself, snatching up a beautiful and brainy one like Hermione! After all, brainy witches tend to be the naughtiest … am I right, or am I right?"

"Without a doubt, James, you and Sirius retain your reputations of incorrigibility, even in the Afterlife," said Professor Snape.

"It was a surprise to me that they were 'just friends' at the time I met them," said Sirius. "Hanging onto him like she was on the back of Buckbeak the hippogriff, risking all rupture of the space-time continuum to rescue me from an irrevocable death sentence at the horrific hands of a demonic soul-sucking fiend …"

"Wow. You've used so many big words, Black … it shocks me it didn't fry your brain to think of them all."

Sirius stuck his tongue out. "Bite me, Snivellus!"

Remus raised his hand. "Hey, I had a part to play as well …"

This drew James's interest. "What part did you play, Moony?"

Remus cleared his throat and he sang the same song Harry and Hermione heard over the radio that wondrous night [to the tune "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen, as covered by Jeff Buckley and others]:

"With Harry, girl, you won't feel harm,  
>Can you feel the aphrodisiac charm?<br>I'm guessing Harry Potter wants to do ya;  
>Just tie him down onto the bed,<br>Forget about Ron, that stupid head,  
>Just make sweet love and sing out Hallelujah!<br>Hallelujah! Hallelujah!  
>Hallelujah! Hallelujah!"<p>

The group cracked up laughing at the couple's blushes.

"As much as I am sure we both would love to stay here with you," said Harry, "I don't think our mission is done yet. Voldemort has the Elder Wand, and he's going to kill more people if he has the chance."

"Indeed," said Dumbledore, "that choice does remain. Remember what I said about our choices versus our abilities?"

" 'It is our choices that show who we truly are, far more than our abilities.' "

"Yes, and if I may put another spin on another of my quotes, help will be given at Hogwarts to those who are worthy of it."

"If the Horcrux is dead already, how would I be able to go back?"

"Remember the ingredients that Voldemort used in his resurrection ritual?"

Harry paused to think. "Bone of the father … flesh of the servant … and blood of the enemy … he took my blood!"

"You have it there, Harry … in his arrogance, Voldemort overlooked the fact that the blood which now runs in his veins is your remaining link between here and Earth."

"Don't pity us, dearie," said Lily. "Pity those who live without love."

"Remember us for as long as you both shall live," said James. "We will see you one day … a long time away from now …"

"Professor Dumbledore, if I may ask another question …"

"Go ahead, Harry."

"Is this all real, or is it happening in my head?"

Another merry laugh sounded from the group as Hermione made a facepalm.

"Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry – but why should that mean that it's not real?"

Lily said, "It's all in Plato, all in Plato … dear me, Albus, what did you teach Harry in school?"

Dumbledore laughed at himself. "Indeed. In retrospect, maybe I should have taught him some Logic … but Hermione will be an excellent tutor for him in the years to come …"

These were the last words Harry and Hermione heard as they went back to the mortal realm …

**Author's Note: Yet another fun dish of literary stew! Read and review – no flames, please! There will be more courses to come yet!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


	4. Half Blood Harry Potter

"**Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Any other universes I choose to use are the property of their respective creators.**

**For this next dish of literary stew (and this is one I am tempted to turn into a story), here we go with the start of my response to DZ2's "Twice Blessed Half Blood" challenge …**

**Chapter 4**

**Half Blood Harry Potter**

**(tentative title)**

The Dementors were coming. Harry could feel them.

"No … I can't lose Sirius … Expecto Patronum!"

A shield materialized over him and Sirius, but the Dementors broke it down and attacked him. He saw a small white orb come out of Sirius's mouth, and tears fell out of his eyes as he realized his godfather was about to die.

"Help us …"

An ear splitting scream of pain rent the sky as an eagle made of light swept across the Lake. The light shining from it killed the Dementors where they stood – the source of the scream – and the small orb went back into Sirius's mouth.

Harry looked up, and, before he fainted, he saw three figures across the Lake …

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

Through Dumbledore's instructions, he and Hermione went back three hours using her Time-Turner, saved Buckbeak from execution, avoided a lycanthropic Remus on the rampage, and waited by the Lake for the Dementors to come.

"Hermione … before I passed out over at the Lake, I saw three figures. Two of those must have been us … but the third one …"

"Well, Harry, who do you think the third one was?"

"I know this might sound crazy, Hermione …"

"Try me. I have been with you for three years of crazy, after all."

"I think it was my Dad."

"But Harry, your Dad is …"

"Dead?" said a third voice. "Oh, my dear Miss Granger, I am far from dead."

The both of them spun around and saw a tall, bearded man with a pair of eyes blue as the morning sky, yet his aura spoke of a dangerous anger, one that Hermione had seen Harry express the last winter …

**~FLASHBACK~**

"Harry, what's wrong?"

"Sirius Black was their friend … and he betrayed them … **HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!**"

Thunder roared across the sky at Harry's outburst.

"I hope he finds me, because when he does, I'll be ready. When he does, I'm going to kill him!"

**~END FLASHBACK~**

"Now, Miss Granger, you were saying?"

Hermione was speechless for a few moments before she could form another coherent thought. "My apologies, sir, and with that, I will amend my original statement. We thought you were dead, and yet, here you are with us, alive." She stopped in thought. "That sounds illogical, doesn't it? There is no known magic that can call back the dead."

The stranger smiled. "True, Hermione … if I may call you that …"

"You may, sir."

"Thank you. It is not in the arts of Hecate to call the dead back to life. That would be in the domain of my brother Hades."

Hermione's eyes widened as her brain caught up with the information. "Ye gods! That narrows down your identity to none other than Zeus!" Her knees buckled and she would have fallen, had Harry not caught her.

Zeus's smile remained on his face, for indeed it was he. "Don't be afraid, Hermione; you are in no danger from Me. I am thankful to you for keeping My son safe, as I'm sure your Mother is thankful to him for keeping you safe."

"My mother, you say, Lord Zeus? I remember my father, but my mother … I never knew her …"

"Dad, I think she must be in shock."

"Hermione … trust Me when I say your Mother loves you and cares for you. Being a parent is a hard job, but if We, the gods and goddesses of Olympus, spend too much time with Our children – and We have many, I assure you – it becomes difficult to look after Our other responsibilities."

The three of them saw the image of an owl appearing over Hermione's head. "Ah, it looks like she has claimed you."

"Okay, Dad … would that make her my niece?"

"Through your divine ancestry, Son, yes, it would … but it doesn't count as far as demigod dating is concerned. You may date people from other Cabins, but not from your own Cabin."

There were blushes on the couple's cheeks. "Thank the gods," they said.

"Why do you ask, Son? Are you dating Hermione already?"

"Dad!"

Zeus chortled. "You aren't dating her? Oy, color me surprised! A female saves your tuchas as many times as she has, and you two aren't dancing the horizontal mambo? Doing a little dance, making a little love? Making the beast with two backs? Inserting sword into sheath? Giggity giggity giggity? I've got a million of these, Son …"

Harry and Hermione's collective blush deepened. "We bet …"

"It will happen in good time, I'm sure. Ah, Sirius has arrived at the other side of the Black Lake, and so have you. Are you ready for this, Son?"

Harry ran forward to the Lake, looked back at Zeus and Hermione smiling at him, and said, "ΠΡΟΣΔΟΚΩ ΣΩΤΗΡΑ!"

The solar radiance of the eagle Patronus burned the Dementors on contact. None escaped.

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

As they flew on Buckbeak with an eagle by their side, Harry started to laugh.

"What's so funny all of a sudden, Harry?"

"As crazy as it sounds, I was the one who sent that Patronus, and my Dad's alive! I thought my Dad sent the Patronus, but it was me! Does that make any sense, Hermione?"

"Harry, I think I've resigned myself to admitting that Logic and Normality take a hike where you are concerned, and I've accepted that! I do have one confession, though –"

"What's that, Hermione?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I hate fly-ING!" She finished the last statement in a scream as they flew down to the tower where Sirius was sitting.

Sirius looked up. "Harry! Hermione! What are you two doing here?"

"Busting you out of here and saving your life," said Hermione. "Stand back … BOMBARDA!"

The lock flew open, and Sirius leaped on top of Buckbeak and flew down with them into the courtyard, laughing about the hilarity of the situation.

"I cannot thank the both of you enough for saving my life," he said when they landed. "Harry, it is a shame that I spent so little time with you as a godfather should. I apologize."

"You are safe, Sirius, and that's what matters."

"You look so much like your Father, you know that?"

"He has his Mother's eyes, Padfoot," said Zeus behind him.

"Wait a minute … that voice sounded familiar …" he spun around. "James?"

"James Potter was a mortal shell I created for myself, Sirius, but enough talk now … you have to hightail it out of here."

"Where shall I go? Will I see Harry again?"

"I am certain that you will see him again, and sooner than you think. As to where, Camp Half-Blood out in New York will shelter you. Don't worry, I Myself will guide you and Buckbeak there."

"Hey, if you have Zeus, the Lord of the Sky on your side," said Harry, "what could go wrong?"

Sirius looked in shock at Zeus. "Wow ..."

Zeus chuckled as he ruffled Harry's hair. "You mischievous little scamp … I am so proud of you. Now, before dawn tomorrow, make your way to the Astronomy Tower with your trunks and school materials. I have arranged a lift for the both of you and Remus."

Sirius leaped onto Buckbeak. "Hermione, you are, without a doubt, the brightest witch of your age. Out of curiosity, are you two dating yet?"

"I asked them already, and no, they are not," said Zeus. "At least, they aren't dating at the moment."

"Lord Zeus, with all due respect, I don't know whether that news should relieve me or shock me as Harry's godfather. I am afraid I suspect the latter."

"It will come, Sirius, I'm sure of it. Should I ask Hermes to start making bets on the two of them?" They laughed at the couple's blushes. "Now, hurry back to the Hospital Wing. We will see each other again soon."

With that, Sirius, Buckbeak, and Zeus in an eagle form flew off into the night sky.

Harry and Hermione ran to the Hospital Wing and ran into Dumbledore coming out.

"Professor Dumbledore, we did it!"

"Did what, Harry?" he said with a wink. "Good night, you two!"

They ran into the Hospital Wing, where they saw their former selves vanish.

"Where did you two come from?" said Ron. "First I saw you there, and now you're over there! What's happening?"

"Ron, don't be ridiculous!" said Hermione.

"Yeah, Ron, how can two people be in two places at the same time?"

They laughed, not because they thought Ron was stupid (which he was), but the whole situation would come out so illogical that if they explained it, who would believe them?

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

Up at the Astronomy Tower, Harry, Hermione, and a recovered Remus Lupin waited as they witnessed the dawn. With its arrival, the Sun chariot alighted on the Tower and its driver, a teen with a bright smile and shades stepped out of it.

"What's up? Dad asked Me to give you all a lift out to Camp Half-Blood. Let Me just read out the names here … Harry Potter?"

"Present."

"Hermione Granger?"

"Present."

"Remus Lupin?"

"Present."

"Excellent … everyone is here. Allow Me to get your trunks, then you can hop on and we will be going." While he brought their trunks onboard, he saw Hermione's look of worry. "Don't be afraid, Hermione. I have been driving this chariot since long before any of you were born, so I know what I'm doing. Would a different design help?"

"I think so, Lord Apollo. I just … have some problems with heights, that's all."

Apollo clicked his keys and the Sun chariot transformed into a small luxury airplane. "Not bad, eh? Hop on, now."

They got onto the Sun airplane. "This is your captain speaking. My name is Phoebus Apollo, son of Zeus, and I will be taking the three of you on a flight out to Camp Half-Blood in New York. Please make sure you have fastened your seat belts and your tray tables are in the upright position. Hermione, if you should feel the need to panic, my suggestion is that you should hold onto Harry for dear life. Giggity."

Remus laughed at the blushing couple. "You know what, Harry? Lord Apollo sounds like he could have fit into the Marauders just fine."

Apollo looked back at him and beamed. "You know what's funny, Remus? I'm father to two of the Marauders …"

Before Remus could say anything more, (like "You're joking!"), he saw the glow of a Sun above his head. "Who's the other one?"

"Who else do you think?"

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

While waiting at the entrance of Camp Half-Blood, Sirius Black saw the same glow of a Sun above his head.

"That's odd," he said to himself. "If I remember my Greek pantheon aright, I would have guessed myself a son of Hermes. Ah, well, it has to be the sunny disposition I carry … pun intended."

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

"Before we leave the shores of Merry England, I thought we would send a little farewell to your hateful Muggle relatives, Harry. They deserve a piece of the Underworld before they arrive there, in particular that fat walrus you call Uncle Vernon."

Harry grinned like a shark smelling fresh blood. "Lord Apollo, what did you have in mind?"

"Remus, My Son, there is a quiver of solar arrows and a bow for you. Have fun while we pause our flight."

Remus grabbed the quiver and notched an arrow. "Harry, Hermione … would you like to make some additions?"

Hermione added on her patented bluebell flames, and Harry added on an electrical charge. Remus aimed for the gas tank …

BOOM! The loud explosion of Vernon's car made the houses of Privet Drive jump. Of course, it caused Vernon to come out.

"WHAT IN BLAZES HAPPENED TO MY CAR?!"

Another couple solar arrows blew off both of his legs at the kneecaps, and a third ended the possibility of his having any more kids. This assumed that he would live, but a fourth solar arrow went straight through his eye into his brain, sending his soul to the Underworld.

"Note to self," said Harry. "Solar arrows plus electricity equals major damage."

Apollo cranked up Metallica's "No Remorse" as they flew away …

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

Up high on Mount Olympus, the other gods were enjoying the show.

"Dad," said Ares, "did you see how Remus just took down Vernon Dursley like he was nothing? Let's not forget that explosion! This death is going onto my list of favorite mortal deaths I've seen – so much blood and gore, wow!"

"Of course you would love the blood and gore, Ares," said Athena. "My Daughter is not someone you cross without the severest retribution. Along with Harry, they make for a formidable team."

"I must wonder," said Zeus, "does Vernon have two drachmas for the Ferryman?"

"Nope, Dad," said Hermes, "he doesn't."

"Alas, what a pity." His quiet chuckle grew into a riotous laugh that spread among the gods present as they realized Vernon's problem. Even though Vernon had made a lot of money working as a manager for the drill company Grunnings, he could not take any of that money with him into the Underworld, and even if he could have taken any of it, it would not suffice for the Ferryman.

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

"Here we are at your destination," said Apollo. "Harry, your Father left some armor, a sword and a shield for you, and Hermione, your Mother has left the same. It should come in handy when it's time for Capture the Flag or any quest that comes your way."

"Thanks, brother Apollo," said Harry.

Apollo tousled Harry's hair. "You're welcome, little bro. Hermione? Keep a close eye on him … no telling what trouble will accompany him, even here."

"With all due respect, Lord Apollo, I have been with him for three years of trouble at Hogwarts. How much worse could the trouble be?"

"You've heard of the bloody Trojan War, right?"

"The same as told in Homer's _Illiad_?"

Apollo nodded. "There is another war on the horizon, one that will promise to make the Trojan War look like a water balloon fight in comparison. Someone has stolen Father's Master Lightning Bolt, and He has decreed that unless it is returned to Him by the Summer Solstice, war will break out between the gods. Even the Camp would split according to its Cabins. Sorry for dumping all this information on you, but you need to know. A demigod must have stolen the Bolt during the Winter Solstice: that much we know, for ancient laws forbid the gods from handling each other's symbols of power. Which demigod did so, we do not know, though Father does have his suspicions."

"Who's the prime suspect, brother?"

"Father suspects Percy Jackson, son of Poseidon, as the Lightning Thief."

"If Father and Uncle Poseidon may forgive my pun – not that I'm coming to Jackson's defense, because I don't know anything about his innocence or guilt in the matter – something smells fishy about that accusation."

"That's a good point, Harry," said Hermione. "Where's the proof that Jackson is the thief?"

Apollo smiled. "Spoken like a true Daughter of Athena! For the record, I agree with Athena that there should be evidence pointing to Percy as the Lightning Thief, but when Father gets in a mood …" he shivered. "Even if the other gods were to join against Him, He could beat them all. It is terrible to face Him when he's in a tempestuous mood, no pun intended."

"So we find out who the Lightning Thief is, get the Master Bolt back to Dad by the Summer Solstice, and restore peace to the halls of Olympus."

"That is the gist of it, yes."

Harry buried his head in his hands. "Oy, gevalt!"

"Wait just a moment!" said Hermione. "Shouldn't there be records on Olympus that say who has entered its hallowed halls?"

Apollo laughed as he lifted Hermione and spun her around. "Oh, dear Hermione, I could kiss you for that – though I'm afraid I will leave the kissing to Harry, lest I arouse his jealousy –"

"No kidding there, brother. I understand your celebratory mood, but, please put her down."

"– It's a brilliant idea, though, Hermione! It's so brilliant, I wish I thought of it! Even if this proves Percy's innocence, there remains the matter of returning Father's Bolt by the Summer Solstice, as well as discovering the identity of the Lightning Thief."

"I said it before and I'll say it again. Oy, gevalt!"

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

"HEROES!" said Chiron the centaur. "This is Percy Jackson, and he's going to need a team."

"We will take him," said a sandy-haired youth. "Luke Castellan, son of Hermes and Head Camp Counsellor; not in that order. Welcome to the Blue Team, my friend. Say, Chiron, do we have some extra armor for him? Kid's a goner."

Percy gulped.

"I'm messing with you, Percy. Lighten up and you'll live longer."

Chiron saw four new arrivals. "Welcome to Camp Half-Blood. My name is Chiron. Would our newcomers like to introduce themselves?"

"Sirius Black, son of Apollo."

"Remus Lupin, son of Apollo."

"Hermione Granger, daughter of Athena."

"Harry Potter. If it's all the same to my fellow demigods at the Camp, I'm not revealing my godly heritage at the present time."

"That will be fine, Harry. Let's see … you will go with the Red Team, which includes Apollo's Cabin, Ares's Cabin, and Athena's Cabin."

A blonde girl came up to them. "Welcome to Athena's Cabin, sis. Annabeth Chase. Do either of you have any experience with a sword?"

"I do," said Harry, "but the last time I used one, a sixty foot Basilisk tried to kill me. If a phoenix didn't help me out, I would have died."

Annabeth's eyes widened. "Θεοι αθανατοι, εξηντα ποδια?" (Immortal gods, sixty feet?)

They nodded.

She shrugged. "Monsters come with the territory of being a demigod, I'm afraid. Thank the gods you are still alive. After we finish Capture the Flag, Hermione, could you tell me about all the monsters you two have faced?"

"I would love that, Annabeth. Harry looks quite dashing in his armor, doesn't he?"

"Indeed. Whoever his Olympian parent is, he or she must give him high favor. I don't know if you two are dating yet, but, Harry, here's a wise word of advice: when you do start dating her, don't break her heart. If you break her heart, Mum and the rest of the Athena Cabin will make the rest of your life miserable, is that clear?"

"Crystal clear, Annabeth."

"I'm glad to hear it. How long have you known each other?"

"Three years."

Annabeth turned to Hermione. "No pressure, sis, but something tells me that before the day is over, the rest of us will know who his Olympian parent is, and if you haven't claimed him as your own boyfriend, there will be a line of females who will want a piece of him." Taking note of the lightning bolt scar on Harry's head, she leaned into him and said into his ear:

"As handsome as you are – even I won't deny it – don't let your hubris make you cocky … Bolt Head ..."

She winked at him, as if to show that she meant nothing malicious by the nickname. Hermione giggled at his blush.

"Now, who's ready to kick some γλουτους?"

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

Percy came to the river and saw the Red Flag. He walked along to grab it, when Annabeth appeared in front of him.

"Did you think it would be that easy, Percy? My mother is the Goddess of Wisdom and Battle Strategy. I never lose."

"I never win," said Percy. "Maybe we're both wrong."

This started a fierce battle between the two. Percy tried his best to defend.

"Chiron, they're going to kill each other!" said Grover, a satyr and Percy's best friend.

"No, Grover, wait! This is the best part ..."

Percy ended up on the ground with cuts to his face and his arm.

"Stand up and fight, hero!"

The jeers he heard faded into the background as a voice said, "Percy, come into the water. It will heal you and give you strength."

Holding his hand in the water, his wounds healed, much to Annabeth's amazement. He knocked down a number of the Ares kids, including Clarisse LaRue – breaking her spear in the process – fought Annabeth a second time, swiping her sword away, and then looked around for any more challengers.

"Good fighting, Percy," said Harry, "but as the saying goes –"

"–You must have an ace in the hole," said Hermione.

"Are you up for a challenge, Seaweed Brain?"

Even the additional strength and speed he had gained from the water was not enough for Percy to take down Harry and Hermione working together. Harry's sword produced thunder as it met his sword, Riptide. Neither side could gain any advantage over the other, so he turned a back flip into the river.

"So, Percy … are you feeling you have the advantage on your home turf? Think again ..." With a quick prayer to Poseidon in his mind – "Uncle Poseidon, please don't hate me for this," – Harry inserted his lightning charged sword into the river, stunning him.

When he opened his eyes, he saw two swords above him.

"Do you yield, Percy Jackson?"

"Yes, I yield."

Harry reached down and helped him up. "Good match, Percy; good match."

"Where did you two learn to fight like that?"

Harry shook his head. "I don't know, but it seems our divine parents want us to be ready for whatever comes our way. Wait just a minute … why is everybody looking so afraid?"

"Um, Harry? You might want to look up."

Harry looked up, and above him was the image of a lightning bolt. He then looked at Hermione, who was beaming at him. A wave of water behind her knocked her into him in such a way that they found themselves kissing each other.

Much to the amazement of the witnesses, an eagle and an owl appeared accompanied by a dove that flew above them. A golden light shone from the dove, encircling the birds and the two kissing humans in the river.

"In all the years I have been at this Camp," said Chiron, tears of joy flowing into his beard, "I have never witnessed such a beautiful blessing like this."

When the couple separated, a loud cheer broke out among the campers.

"Chiron, can you tell us what happened there?"

"I think your Father, Harry, and your Mother, Hermione, can explain it better than I could, since I have never seen the like before out here. I believe they are waiting for you in the Zeus Cabin."

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

Sure enough, a smiling Zeus and Athena were waiting for them in the Zeus Cabin.

"Harry … Hermione … Our congratulations to the both of you."

"Dad … what happened out there?"

"Lady Aphrodite decided that you deserved some happiness in your life, Harry … and so, with Our blessings, of course, She has blessed you both in the bonds of marriage."

"MARRIAGE?! Good gods, Dad, Olympus doesn't do anything halfway, am I right, or am I right?"

"Is there some kind of problem?" said Athena, her stormy gray eyes blazing. "I hope you don't object to Our blessing, or so help Me, I will make your life a misery ..."

"Lady Athena, forgive my outburst. I'm just … shocked. Sure, I was planning to go through dating, engagement, then marriage, but just leaping into this in such a way … it's a lot to process, but I do not object to Your blessing. Hermione is beautiful, she's smart … she's saved my tuchas countless times ..."

Athena's eyes calmed. "You have saved her as well, Harry, for which I am most grateful to let you marry her. Sure, you may be reckless at times, but your heart is in the right place. Her intelligence is the perfect balance to you, even you realize that."

"As for you, Hermione," said Zeus, "that brilliant idea you gave through Apollo has healed whatever rift existed between Me and Poseidon since the time when I found My Master Bolt was missing. I checked the records of those who have been to Olympus during the Winter Solstice, and Percy Jackson was not on them, so he can rest easy, knowing that My threat towards him has disappeared."

"My thanks, Lord Zeus," she said with a curtsy.

"You may call Me Dad, Hermione."

"As you may call Me Mom, Harry. I know I may not be a replacement for Lily Potter, but as a member of your family, I would like to be there for you as much as I can."

"I hope Lord Poseidon was not mad about me stunning Percy," said Harry.

"Are you kidding, Harry? We were roaring with laughter about it, and even more so when He brought that wave to knock Hermione into you, in order to, in His words, 'give those demigod lovebirds just the right push.' He is thankful beyond measure to you … to the both of you."

Athena cleared Her throat. "As far as this mortal custom of dating is concerned, who says you had to skip it to get here? Sure, you two may have known each other for three years, but Harry, you can still take her out on dates, even after marriage."

"Dad, there remains the matter of the Master Bolt. If Percy didn't steal it, who did?"

"That is what you two will have to find out for yourselves. There were many demigods around during the Winter Solstice, and it would not be proper to smack them all like an irate schoolmaster."

Athena ruffled Harry's hair. "Stay strong, Harry. We commend your courage … but try not to do anything stupid ..."

When the two gods disappeared, Harry looked at Hermione. "That last bit sounds like something you would say ..."

She giggled as they kissed again.

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

"Make way for Percy Jackson, the Son of Poseidon, Harry Potter, son of Zeus, and Hermione Potter, Daughter of Athena!" said Grover as he led the three of them to the campfire.

"Hey, Percy?" said a girl. "Listen, some of us were going to have a little party down by the river. Would you like to come join us?"

Percy grinned. "Sounds fun."

Grover joined the grin. "Yeah, ladies, sounds fun."

Annabeth came on the scene. "Beat it, nymphs!"

As they scattered, Grover ran after them. "Yo, ladies! I'm still available for this party!"

"So, Annabeth, would you care to tell me what the tension is between my Dad and your Mom?"

"While They do respect each other, Percy, They have not been fans of each other, ever since the time They competed to become the patron of Athens. Poseidon gave them a spring, but it was salt water. Athena gave them an olive tree, so Athens chose Her as its patron. They have not liked each other ever since."

"What about you? What do you feel about me?"

"I will admit, I do have strong feelings about you, but I don't know if they're positive or negative yet."

"When you find out, please let me know."

"I'm sure you will be the first to know … apart from Bolt Head and Hermione. Speaking of Hermione, she owes us a story about Bolt Head."

Harry groaned, much to Percy's amusement. Before Hermione could open her mouth, though, a tall, fiery being with wings came out of the campfire.

"Percy Jackson? Percy Jackson, are you here? Come out here and be a good boy … come out, come out, wherever you are … give Me the Lightning Bolt and I will exchange it for your mother."

Percy glared. "My mother's dead!"

"No, Percy, she's not dead; she's with Me in the Underworld. Is Harry Potter here?"

"It's a fine evening tonight, isn't it, Uncle? Feeling so cramped in the Underworld that You had to come up and terrify the rest of us, didn't You?"

"Let Me start this off by giving you my deepest apologies for what My Son did to you all those years ago, Harry. I have kept My eyes on you ever since. By the way, congratulations on your marriage."

"Thank you, Uncle. So … Voldemort is Your Son?"

"Yes … surprised?"

Harry shook his head. "Nope. It would explain the aura of fear he could generate in people, and I've met him twice ..."

"... And you have beaten him twice. When someone like him tries to cheat Death, it throws everything else into chaos. He was so capable, Harry, but he has killed so many innocent lives, your Mother included, that the other Gods asked Me what I could do. I said, 'None other but the King of the Gods struck Voldemort with a lightning bolt and You're asking what I could do? I am surprised that Voldemort is still alive.' "

"Are you proposing an alliance, Uncle?"

"Yes, I am. With My help, you can rid your existence of Voldemort so you can have some measure of peace. I get his soul to torment in the Underworld for all eternity, and in return, who knows? You may get a longer lifespan out of this deal. No pressure, nephew. Come down to the Underworld with Percy and We will talk some more. By the way, be careful. I prefer that you arrive in the Underworld in one piece." With that, Hades left in a burst of flame.

"Chiron," said Percy, "He has my mother."

"If you don't have the Bolt, Percy, how could you bring it to Him? He will kill both you and your Mother. We need to convince Zeus of your innocence."

"He realizes you are innocent," said Harry. "Hermione came up with the idea to check the records that stated who had come into Olympus's hallowed halls, and the Gods did not find Percy's name there."

"That's a big relief, but what are we to do about my mother? I can't leave her there!"

"Try to think of the bigger picture, Percy. If Dad doesn't get His Lightning Bolt back by the Summer Solstice, war will break out, remember?"

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

Later that night, Harry and Hermione saw Percy walking out of his cabin.

"So, where do you think you're going this time of night?"

"I'm going to get my mom back. Why do you ask?"

"If you think we're going to let you go to the Underworld all on your own, you must have kelp for brains or something," said Harry.

"Hey, you are interested because of that alliance He mentioned, am I right, Harry?"

"In part, yes … but it is hard to survive on your own. You need your friends with you."

"Harry's right," said Annabeth, a little winded from running. "You need all the help you can get. Besides, I have done nothing but stay here and train for the last four years, and I'm getting restless."

"ADHD will do that to a person," said Percy. "Grover explained it to me as an expression of our battle reflexes."

"Well, it's good to know you can pay attention. As your protector, regulations state I have to go with you," said Grover.

"Junior protector," said Percy.

"Oh, come on … was that necessary?"

Harry and Hermione looked at Annabeth for an explanation. "It's a sad story, but the last mission Grover did before his mission with Percy was unsuccesful."

Grover bleated; something about remembering that unfortunate mission rankled his fur.

"So, getting into the Underworld will be one matter, but how will we get out?" said Hermione.

Annabeth smiled. "I think I know someone who can help."

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

They found Luke in his room playing a video game.

"Ah … I was wondering when you would get here. Everybody does, at some point or another, when they start becoming bored of the sword fighting, Capture the Flag, yadda, yadda, yadda. How may I help you?"

"As you know, Luke, our mission leads to the Underworld," said Annabeth. "We were hoping you would know how to get there and get out, seeing as that is one of your Father's missions."

Luke snorted. "My Father? He's a jerk, and I've never met Him."

"How can you say He's a jerk when you've never met Him?" said Hermione.

"The Gods are supposed to love Their children – us – right? What kind of parent refuses to show up for his or her child? I have seen too much to disbelieve in the Gods, so while I do believe in Their existence, They have to be jerks. How about you ask your Daddy dearest about your sister Thalia, Harry? He didn't send down a lightning bolt to save us when we arrived at Camp – Annabeth, Thalia, Grover, and me – oh, no! Thalia volunteered to cover for us, but the Cyclopes injured her, and so your Dad turned her into a tree to protect the Camp. So she has remained for these four years, deprived of all human companionship and interaction ..."

Annabeth cleared her throat. "I miss Thalia as well, Luke, but can we get back on track here?"

"Oh … right. I did sneak into my Dad's house once, and I got a pair of these."

He handed them a shoe box, and within were a pair of Nikes with wings on them.

"Those might come in handy for Percy, if he ever needs them. My Dad has a million pairs, so He won't ever miss them. Also, Percy, you will need a shield, so, for that, you can have my favorite."

The shield in question had an initial form of an armband that went along the arm from hand to elbow. Percy found the button, pressed it, and the armband expanded into a shield.

Harry smelled a faint scent of ozone centered around the shield, and his eyes narrowed at Luke. Luke paid it no attention, as he said, "As to the question of how to get out of the Underworld, here's a map leading to Persephone's Pearls. As you pick up each Pearl, the map will show you the location of the next one. I wish all of you a happy hunt, and … by the way, if you see my Dad?"

"What?"

"Kick His rear for me."

"Go ahead," said Harry to Hermione, "I will catch up." When the others had left the tent, Luke looked back to him.

"Something else that you would like to add, Harry?"

Harry grabbed him by the lapel of his shirt and lifted him up. "You think you are a sneaky one, don't you, Luke? I don't know if the intention of this mission is to see us dead, or not –"

Luke let out a nervous laugh. "Dead? What kind of Son would I be for the God of the Travelers if my advice led to your death?"

"A poor one, no doubt … though if I do find out that you were the Lightning Thief, you will find yourself in a world of pain such as you have never felt before."

Luke smirked. "Is that a threat, Harry?"

Harry slammed him on the ground, withdrew his sword, and brought it close to his face, electricity crackling.

"No … that's a promise!"

Having said his piece, he sped out of the tent after his comrades, while Luke lay there on the ground, trembling in fear …

**Author's Note: Another fun chapter done. This title is only tentative, but if you have any better suggestions, I would love to hear them. Read and review – no flames, please!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**

**P.S.,**

**The spell "****Προσδοκω Σωτηρα" ****is the Greek equivalent of "Expecto Patronum." The word "expecto" is found in the Nicene Creed ("expecto resurrectionem mortuorum" – I await the resurrection of the dead) and "patronum" is the accusative case (direct object form) of "patronus" … which is seen in the Catholic Dies Irae prayer referring to a patron or defender ("Quem patronum rogaturus" – What patron/defender to ask [for help]), as in a defense lawyer in a courtroom. Therefore, "Expecto Patronum" means, "I await a defender," or, for that matter, "I await a Savior." The word ****Σωτηρα ****is the accusative case of ****Σωτηρ, ****meaning Savior.**

**I thought you might find that linguistic note interesting. There will be more servings to come, I assure you!**


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